Leadership lesson: Words of affirmation from my supervisor

Great leaders and organic intellectuals speak in ways people can understand them. They communicate specifically to help the other understand and never to dictate or power-over. This is true in personal relationships as well.

There are five love languages according to Gary Chapman in his seminal non-fiction book, The Five Love Languages (1992). The five different styles help people express their love and appreciation for others and give clues about the way they best recieve expressions of love or appreciation in return. The five languages are:

1. Acts of Service
2. Quality Time
3. Gifts
4. Words of Affirmation 
5. Physical Touch.

It dawned on me tonight that our Punjabi son-in-law's love language is Acts of Service. He loves to do things for us; right down to chosing our dinner (pictured). To show our appreciation to him, he will understand it best if we do something for him in return. Like, mow the lawn or make the rotis.

Although I love to eat and love having things done for me, my dominant love language is Words of Affirmation. This is evidenced by the positive and supportive words I prefer to speak to others. Flipped, it means I receive love and appreciation back through words before any other medium. Gifts and acts of service are lovely, but tell me positive words and I flourish.

Imagine my deep gratitude, joy and pride, when I read a positive report from my PhD supervisor recommending the progression of my Confirmation of Candidature. This is what she said about me and my PhD project:

I wish to log how remarkable the candidate is. She has suffered - and it is rare for me to use this word - a radical loss of a supervisor, project and internship. She has a new project and supervisory panel - and internship, Megan has worked incredibly hard. Met with me on a weekly basis. Deployed the expertise of the new associate supervisor. And this is a triumphant thesis. It will be an outstanding scholarly monograph. This is a seriously impressive candidate.

I read this while in the shopping centre, waiting for my husband to finish shopping (he also is Acts of Service: I HATE shopping but true to my love language I love the conversations I have with retailers). I was so humbled and grateful that my eyes filled with tears and I could have cried like a baby. 

I had been seen and heard, and, the trauma of my first supervisors resigning recognised.

Few sentences. Few words from Professor Brabazon. Yet they mean more to me than any gift, hug, cup of tea, or undivided attention. She got my love language right and won my eternal loyalty without even trying.

I contacted her to express my humbleness and she wasn't aware that the report would come to me: she didn't write it for me to see. That made it all the more special.

Leadership lesson: speak to your people in their love language...and always let the Indian member of a party order at an Indian restaurant.